The following quotations are taken from official court records across the nation, showing how funny and embarrassing it is that recorders operate at all times in courts of law, so that even the slightest inadvertence is preserved for posterity.
- Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
- Witness: "July 15th."
- Lawyer: "What year?"
- Witness: "Every year."
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- Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"
- Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."
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- Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
- Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
- Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
- Witness: "Er...his face."
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- Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"
- Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
- Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"
- Witness: "Forty-five years."
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- Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
- Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
- Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
- Witness: "My name is Susan."
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- Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
- Witness: "No."
- Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
- Witness: "No."
- Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
- Witness: "No."
- Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
- Witness: "No."
- Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
- Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
- Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
- Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
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- Lawyer: "And you check your radar unit frequently?"
- Officer: "Yes, I do."
- Lawyer: "And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?"
- Officer: "Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly."
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- Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
- Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."
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- Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"
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- Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
- Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"
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- Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."
- Witness: "That's me."
- Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"
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- Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
- Witness: "I'll be three months on November 8."
- Lawyer: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?"
- Witness: "Yes."
- Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?"
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- Lawyer: "She had three children, right?"
- Witness: "Yes."
- Lawyer: "How many were boys?"
- Witness: "None."
- Lawyer: "Were there girls?"
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- Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?"
- Witness: "Yes."
- Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
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- Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
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- Lawyer: "Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the Rose Chapel?"
- Witness: "It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30pm."
- Lawyer: "And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?"
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- Lawyer: "What is your brother-in-law's name?"
- Witness: "Borofkin."
- Lawyer: "What's his first name?"
- Witness: "I can't remember."
- Lawyer: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?"
- Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!"
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- Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?"
- Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
- Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?"
- Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
- Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?"
- Witness: "No."
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- Lawyer: "Are you married?"
- Witness: "No, I'm divorced."
- Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
- Witness: "A lot of things I didn't know about."
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- Lawyer: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
- Witness: "All my autopsies have been performed on dead people."
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- Lawyer: "Did he pick the dog up by the ears?"
- Witness: "No."
- Lawyer: "What was he doing with the dog's ears?"
- Witness: "Picking them up in the air."
- Lawyer: "Where was the dog at this time?"
- Witness: "Attached to the ears."
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- Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
- Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."
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- Lawyer: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?"
- Witness: "Oral."
- Lawyer: "How old are you?"
- Witness: "Oral."
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- Lawyer: "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?"
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- Lawyer: "And what did he do then?"
- Witness: "He came home, and next morning he was dead."
- Lawyer: "So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?"
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- Lawyer: "So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?"
- Witness: "I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital."
- Lawyer: "It was covered?"
- Witness: "Yes, bandaged."
- Lawyer: "Then, later on...what did you see?"
- Witness: "I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head."
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- Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"
- Witness: "I could see his head."
- Lawyer: "And where was his head?"
- Witness: "Just above his shoulders."
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- Lawyer: "Do you drink when you're on duty?"
- Witness: "I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk."
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- Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
- Witness: "The victim lived."
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- Lawyer: "Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?"
- Witness: "Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words."
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